I know that Jellyfish is canonically the wrong side, but, like Belly, I can’t help how I feel.
Photo: Erika Doss/Prime
It took eight episodes, but The Summer I Turned Pretty’s third season finally made me cry, which is all I have ever asked of it. Before watching this episode, I was thinking that perhaps the reason this season isn’t working for me is that I can’t make myself hate Jeremiah. I know that Jellyfish is canonically the wrong side, but, like Belly, I can’t help how I feel. Frankly, it was beginning to seem like I was living in an alternate universe, where Blair belonged with Nate, not Chuck, and Joey belonged with Dawson, not Pacey, and everything I’d ever known about teen love triangles was a lie. That’s not a world I could keep living in, so I resolved to really try to hate Jeremiah this episode. Or at least try to see what all the Jeremiah haters see that I don’t. Maybe I could will myself onto Team Conrad and thereby really enjoy this show as it’s meant to be enjoyed.
Well, that plan fell apart five minutes into the episode. Conrad is the first thing Belly sees when she walks into the kitchen the morning after the Bachelor parties, and he immediately goes out of his way to make me hate him. That self-sacrificing Conrad from a few weeks ago? He can’t come to the phone right now because the old Conrad is dead. Now, Conrad is just openly begging Belly to run away with him the day before she’s supposed to marry his little brother. Am I expected to disagree with Belly when she yells, “I’m marrying your fucking brother, and what am I supposed to say to him now? I’m supposed to let you stand up there with him? On his wedding day?” Conrad doesn’t even look humbled; instead, he has the gall to say he was trying to let Belly off the hook. Excuse me, sir! This isn’t Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride, this is Julia Roberts in My Best Friend’s Wedding, so what is the emotional U2 song doing here?
But if my plan had worked and I had successfully hated Jeremiah, then I would not be sitting here blubbering through “Cardigan” right now, and crying to Taylor Swift is what The Summer I Turned Pretty is all about. You have to believe Belly when she says she wants to marry her best friend for this episode to really hit, and, luckily for me, I do.
“Last Kiss” unfolds over a series of increasingly satisfying knock-down, drag-out fights over two days, culminating with Jeremiah and Belly’s breakup right before it’s time to walk down the aisle. During this time, Conrad is told to get lost on no fewer than four occasions. First, back in the kitchen, Belly tells him to make up one of his “bullshit excuses” and leave because he is officially uninvited from the rehearsal dinner and the wedding. Taylor finds him sulking about this and wastes no time in reading him the riot act. Sit your ass down and listen, Conrad, Taylor demands. Did you really expect Belly just to blow up her whole life because you suddenly remembered she exists? Yes, it turns out, which is a wild thing for Conrad to admit out loud. Taylor advises him to man up and just leave Belly alone.
Instead, Conrad’s internal compromise is that he’ll show up to the rehearsal dinner as planned, but he won’t join the rest of the group for ice cream afterwards, which does nothing but hurt Jeremiah’s feelings. “Is he insane?” Belly wonders in voiceover. Regardless, now that Conrad and his ill-timed declarations have decided to stay and cast a pall over the proceedings, Belly can’t keep this secret from Jeremiah before the wedding. After a bracing midnight swim, Belly climbs into bed with her fiancé to tell him the truth.
Of all the things you don’t want to hear your bride say the night before the wedding, “Your brother told me he loves me” is at the very top of the list. It comes right below, “I just slept with your brother,” but above, “I think I got food poisoning from the rehearsal dinner lobster rolls.” It’s the kind of reveal that is difficult to overreact to. One understandable reaction would be to spend all day crying. Jeremiah’s reaction is to disappear on a vision quest the morning of the wedding, leading us all to believe that he’s the runaway bride in this scenario.
For some reason, everyone leaves Belly alone to fret about this all morning, even though every bridal party in history has gotten ready as a group, usually wearing some matching bathrobe. But Taylor doesn’t pop into Belly’s dressing room until after she’s already completed her sexy-wet look elsewhere. Laurel has decided to restrict her visits to once an hour. Anika never appears at all. Kayleigh hasn’t bothered to hire a professional makeup artist or hair stylist for Belly either, so not only does Belly have to rock with a DIY blowout for her very fancy wedding, but there is truly nobody to keep her company right now. At least Steven’s visit was productive. Having learned what happened — Conrad has been trying to seduce the bride, and now the groom has disappeared — he becomes the third person to give Conrad the business. His first question is, “What is wrong with you!” And also, Steven has had quite enough of Conrad’s “brooding and sad boy and whatever the fuck.” If Conrad is such a good guy, Steven lectures, he will fix what he broke and go find Jeremiah. Steven doesn’t actually tell Conrad to get out of town, but it is kind of implied.
The fourth and final person to tell Conrad to fuck off forever is, of course, Jeremiah himself. But before we get to that, we should address the Susannah in the room. Now, what is with these letters? I have a billion questions, and Susannah won’t like any of them. First of all, why was Susannah plotting her kids’ future weddings to the point of writing them letters when they were still teenagers? Why did she write one for Belly, who isn’t even her actual daughter? And why did her letter to Conrad include a specific reference to Belly? Imagine if Conrad decided to marry someone else, and then on his wedding day, when he’s like 30, he gets this letter from his long-dead mother, wherein she says her dying wish was that he marry his high school girlfriend. Did Susannah even tell Laurel about her plans for Belly? And I really need to know who prepared these envelopes, because how, exactly, did Conrad’s letter wind up in Jeremiah’s envelope? Did Susannah write and seal letters for both boys and then mix up the envelopes when she addressed them? Did she even write a letter for Jeremiah at all? The point is that this is crazy work, and to take Susannah’s letter as meaningful of anything at all is crazier work still. There are lots of reasons for Belly and Jeremiah to call off this wedding, but the fact that Susannah was shipping Belly and Conrad should not be one of them. This letter isn’t a sign from the universe; it’s fan fiction. Frankly, if Susannah had just been one of those Boy Moms who get jealous of their sons’ senior prom dates, the Fisher brothers would be better off.
It still hurts Jeremiah’s feelings, of course, because who wants to read their dead mom’s romantic fantasies about their fiancée marrying their brother? Conrad eventually locates Jeremiah and manages to hand him the letter. Right after Jere has, quite rightly, punched him in the face. The letter doesn’t stop Jeremiah from going back to Belly, which is good, but first, Jere tells Conrad that they are no longer brothers. In fact, Conrad needs to leave town and never return. Okay, yeah, for sure, definitely, Conrad is going to do that, but first, real quick, he’s gotta stop by Belly’s room again. I’m screaming, Not again! But for once, I’m glad Conrad showed up where he wasn’t wanted. Conrad’s apology, followed by his speech — “I need you to know, it was all worth it” — is both emotionally gutting and not at all shitty. I almost love him again.
The real killer is the Jeremiah conversation. I’ll stick to the highlights — the saddest, curliest highlights in all of New England. Jeremiah has known all along that Belly and Conrad were together at Christmas. Ever since, he’s been trying to convince himself that Belly and Conrad weren’t having the emotional affair they basically were. Belly admits that a part of her still loves Conrad and will always love Conrad, even though she also loves and chooses Jeremiah. Jeremiah won’t settle for only part of her because he wants all of her. Belly says, “I don’t know where I end and you begin!” Jeremiah says, “You can’t marry me to erase him.” Ugh! Truly, beautifully, devastating stuff happening here. I can’t believe I almost cheated myself out of this cathartic, ugly cry by trying to kill the part of me that is a Jellyfish. I think a part of me will always be a Jellyfish. Sniffle.
Anyway, Belly, you had better get your ass onto that plane to Paris. I don’t care if Conrad is sitting at the gate next door. Etienne is waiting!
• I’m not sure why Denise is at Belly’s rehearsal dinner when her romance with Steven is about to end with a flop of this magnitude.
• Hey, remember Steven’s MEDICALLY INDUCED COMA a few months ago?
• Why is Conrad suddenly being nice to Kayleigh at the rehearsal dinner? I thought we hated this character.
• Out of love, Jeremiah convinced Kayleigh to serve that working-class slop Belly loves so much at their rehearsal dinner: lobster rolls.
• What could Susannah possibly have written for Belly in her wedding day letter?
• Lola Tung deserves an Emmy for the opening scene alone.
• Loving the use of “Skinny Love” today.
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