The Official ‘Bullet Train’ Himbo Ranking

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By now, you have probably heard that all your boyfriends are starring in an action movie about a very fast train. While Bullet Train sounds like one big testosterone fest, it turns out that having a handful of our finest himbos try to kill each other for two violent hours is a perfect summer-movie concept. Not all of Bullet Train’s characters are male idiots per se — there is Joey King as a bratty assassin and Zazie Beetz trying to inject poison into Brad Pitt’s veins — but all of them are hot, and watching them chase one another up and down the very fast train in their stylish little outfits is a feast for the horny senses.

How many hot men are we talking about here? For one thing, Brad Pitt. Pitt is the possessor of the only sexy man bun in human history, and his golden locks are just as much the star of Bullet Train as Pitt himself. As the trailer reveals, Pitt spends the first half of the movie wearing a bucket hat, which serves only to accentuate the luster of his hair. There’s also: Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Brian Tyree Henry, Bad Bunny, Logan Lerman, and a surprise appearance from the himbo king himself, Channing Tatum. All of these men play some variation on a bumbling, comically dumb criminal.

Also: jewelry! So much jewelry. By my count, there are at least five tiny gold hoop earrings in Bullet Train. As many red-carpet moments have taught us, this is ideal.

However, not all himbos are created equal, and every villain has his flaws. With that in mind, I have meticulously rated all of Bullet Train’s himbos on a scale of one to ten bucket hats. Do with it what you will.

Photo: Sony Pictures Entertainment/YouTube

Ladybug is a newly therapized criminal who keeps misquoting advice from his shrink while engaging in gory battles with other, less enlightened criminals. His whole thing is kind of annoying but admirable, and he gets points for trying to Do the Work. His bucket hat isn’t even his best accessory: By my count, he has four bracelets, one ring, two necklaces, and a watch. Ding ding ding!! 8 bucket hats

Photo: Columbia Pictures

Lemon offers a cool little twist on the so-trashy-it’s-hot bleached-hair look currently sweeping the nation’s male celebrities, which I appreciate. He has impeccable style (somehow a jean jacket and tie work on him??) and an unexplained passion for Thomas the Tank Engine. Also, he’s super-close with his brother, Tangerine (more on him below), so each of them gets a point for expressing love for a fellow man — even if their main bonding activity is chopping people up. It’s a low bar, but still. I like this guy! 9 bucket hats

Photo: Columbia Pictures

Wow. I did not know how badly I needed to see Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Brian Tyree Henry in matching plaid coats. They are my new fall-fashion inspo. Anyway, Tangerine gets 1 billion points for his abundance of jewelry and an extra point for the love he shows to his brother–slash–partner in extreme violence, Lemon. Perfect score. 10 bucket hats

Photo: Columbia Pictures

The Wolf gets the award for most rings (three), and his statement belt buckle is compelling. While his bolo tie and ultraflared white pants are great, I wish I’d seen either a little more skin or just a little more of Bad Bunny, whose screen time in this movie is tragically short. 9 bucket hats

Photo: Sony Pictures Entertainment/YouTube

We’re all waiting for Logan Lerman to get his due, and after Bullet Train, we’re still waiting. I’m not sure I needed to see him play a Mafia boss’s spoiled son with a face tattoo that reads “Trust no bitch.” He gets a few points for wearing earrings, though they are diamonds and look pretty douchey. Also, he spends a lot of this movie bleeding from his eyes. No thanks! Lerman is beautiful, but the Son is not. 2 bucket hats

This guy never gets a name, and Channing Tatum’s appearance as an innocent bystander who helps Ladybug fool his pursuers is a little pandering but nonetheless fun. Sadly, he wears no jewelry. 7 bucket hats

In the .2 seconds that Ryan Reynolds shows up in this movie, he looks nice, as always. His character is supposed to be a dick, but he calls in sick to work, to which I say: Good for him. This job seems stressful. 7 bucket hats



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