Jeremiah and Huda are already tossing around “Love you”s, which smells like trouble.
Photo: Peacock
Well, hello, Islanders!
After one year and an egregious 41-minute delay, we have finally been introduced to a new batch of sexy singles on Love Island USA season seven. The world may look a lot different now than it did this time last summer, but the Love Island villa is eternal. (Except they’ve added a bar area we’re calling a “speakeasy.”)
So was the premiere episode worth the wait?
After making everyone sit around for 40 minutes and then adding a four-minute intro package featuring every contestant lip-syncing to Janelle Monáe’s “Make Me Feel,” the approach was downright offensive. But once the insult wears off, one can come to appreciate that this year’s cast seems pretty promising. All of our Love Island archetypes are represented, plus one single mom, one out queer woman (happy Pride!), and a man who never removes his cowboy hat. Allegedly, per the internet, two of the Islanders are Trump supporters, but you know what, so are half of the Real Housewives. What are we honestly expecting here?
As Love Island tradition dictates, the women are all wearing strips of neon-colored Lycra fashioned into around three-quarters of a whole dress, while the men wear blazers in assorted colors over barely buttoned shirts. It’s too early to declare favorites, but I can tell you that everything about Austin — from his frosted tips to his pickup-artist tactics — gives me the full-body shudders.
Love Island as a concept is not dissimilar from a racy boy-girl party for eighth-graders, and every challenge is some variation on spin the bottle. Hence, this season’s twist on the coupling-up ceremony isn’t as shocking as it probably should be. The rules, as explained by host Ariana Madix (who has never looked better, by the way), are thus: Each girl chooses two boys to kiss, then decides which boy to couple up with based on those kisses.
Chelley, 27-year-old day trader from Queens, decides to smooch Austin (why?) and then Ace, a five-ten pair of dimples who will soon prove himself too endearing to be trusted. Because Chelley and Ace have actually met once before — outside a club in New York City, naturally — the general consensus is that fate has brought them together in Fiji. So Chelley couples up with Ace.
Next to choose is Huda, a 24-year-old single mom and the new light of my life. Ariana reminds her that even though Ace has already been claimed, she can still steal him if she likes. Instead, Huda chooses Jeremiah, who seizes her hand and announces he has already won. Either Jeremiah really is the sweetie he appears to be or he just knows how this game is played; he’s so committed to this five-minute relationship that he swerves the next contestant who tries to kiss him, Yulissa. Jeremiah knows he shouldn’t put all his eggs in one basket, he confesses later, but “She’s my favorite basket.”
Next, the most interesting thing about Belle-A, aside from the spelling of her name, is that she seems to have no idea which show she’s on. Belle-A declines to engage in any actual kissing and instead offers pecks on the cheek. I respect that she has boundaries, but does she not know how much simulated sex is in her immediate future if she stays on this show? She winds up with Nic, a creature conjured by witches to irritate me specifically. Moving on, Olandria is from Alabama and has brought all of her delightful folksy phrases with her. She wants a grown-ass country boy who can build her a house. The best we can offer is Taylor, an adult horse girl whose personality is “cowboy” and who has a thing about “ugly feet.”
The last to choose is Yulissa. I get the sense that someone once called her a “real firecracker” and she’s been trying to live up to that ever since. She has clearly been waiting for an opportunity to cause trouble, so she aims her lips directly at Ace and they lock in. This goes on for a while. When it comes time to make a decision, Jeremiah has already made it clear he’s not an option, so Yulissa takes Ace. This leaves poor Chelley with Austin, a proud “pool boy” who complains that his boss cockblocks him from hitting on his clients. By bedtime, Jeremiah and Huda are already making out under the covers and Belle-A has negotiated one chaste spoon with Nic, but no one else seems ready to get close.
Now that the introductions are out of the way, it’s time to begin Love Island proper.
The morning sees our Islanders establishing their new routines. Nic becomes the first boy to make his girl breakfast. Olandria and Taylor discuss fishing techniques. And Huda dances around telling Jeremiah she has a daughter — which is the only thing stopping me from declaring them this season’s villa mom and dad right here and now. Huda says she wants to make sure a guy is serious about her before she drops the single-mom bomb. I get that, I guess, but I think having a kid is something to be disclosed at the beginning of a relationship. Like, date two at the latest. I just see this all going sideways.
Meanwhile, Chelley and Ace try very hard to convince themselves and all of us that they don’t wish they were coupled up with each other instead of their real partners, Austin and Yulissa. No one is buying it, guys. Except maybe Austin, who seems genuinely thrilled with his luck. Enjoy it while it lasts, buddy, because the most Chelley has said about you is that she doesn’t yet have the ick.
As night falls on the Islander’s first full day in the villa, Ariana sashays into the yard with an announcement to make. There’s another twist, and unfortunately for Belle-A, it’s another kissing game. This time, the Islanders are all blindfolded and invited to kiss whomever they like without anyone else knowing (including the kissee). The only real surprise here is from Olandria. I had thought she was perfectly content with her toe-obsessed cowboy, but it turns out she too would like to make out with Ace. For those keeping score, Ace has now kissed every girl in the villa except Belle-A, who hasn’t kissed anyone.
Speaking of Ace: On his turn, he kisses Chelley, of course, but then, in a wild turn of events, also kisses Huda. Why are you trying to break up a marriage? What about that “invisible string theory” thing you had going with Chelley? Anyway, we have to move on because it’s bombshell time. Enter Charlie (he’s British) and Cierra (“Brains, beauty, and boobs”). They just kiss everyone. At least nobody has to feel left out if they don’t get a kiss.
At the very end, Ariana instructs the Islanders to put the blindfolds back on and raise their hand if they want to get to know the bombshells based on the kisses. I will bet you $1 million that Ace raises his disloyal, cutie-patootie hand.
• God, the veneers on these babies.
• I think it’s a little rude of Taylor to have such high standards for toes when he himself has a fucked-up toe, as he explains to Olandria.
• “You still have breast milk on your breath” — Olandria, who is a queen, to Ace, who is 22.
• “You better strut!” — Belle-A, who has a bit of a Blaccent problem she should really address sooner rather than later.
• There has been a lot of big talk about sisterhood so far, so these girls better not let Ace and his little dance moves ruin that.
• Did I hear Belle-A say she has never shared a bed with a man? And this is how she decides to start?
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